


Company of Fools

by Bluehaven4220



Category: due South
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Humor, Implied Relationships, Multi, slight angst at the beginning, some casual swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-22 11:54:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4834364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluehaven4220/pseuds/Bluehaven4220
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At twenty-eight years old, Sarah Leland is absolutely sure she's bound to spend the rest of her life alone, if her mother's constant reminders of her non-existent love life are anything to go by. So, when her parents announce they're coming to stay, she panics and enlists the help of the only two people who could possibly understand her predicament, even if they have to play pretend: Ray Kowalski and Benton Fraser.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act on Impulse

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this was originally going to be a bit of an angst-filled one shot, but then it completely changed and got very funny and a bit silly. I have no idea where this idea came from, but I'm not one to upset my muse. I have no idea where this is going to take me, but I hope you'll come along for the ride. Please feel free to leave a review, the door is always open.

_Dear Log,_  

_Well, that's it. I'm done for. Do you know that saying "You can’t help whom you fall in love with, it just happens?" Yeah, that saying. It's absolutely true. The same can be said about never being able to go home because home is always changing. It can never be what it once was; it constantly evolves and makes you crazy and turns your world upside down, and there’s nothing you can do about it._

_It happens more often than you’d like to think it does, this not being able to control who you fall in love with. Of course, everyone dreams of falling in love and making a home with this other person and having a family. However, sometimes people have to accept that it is not something that will ever happen for them, and they are doomed to spend the rest of their lives alone._

_Like me. And that’s because I fell in love with the wrong person._

_Falling in love with the wrong person, even if they aren’t necessarily the wrong type of person (just wrong for you), is just as easy. They didn’t necessarily say or do anything, but suddenly, everything about them is different._

_They smile at you or laugh at something you said or even just wish you a good morning, and suddenly your stomach is in knots and your day is instantly better just because you saw them or they spoke to you._

_Now imagine this goes on for weeks, months even, and you talk. About everything and anything, and sometimes nothing. Then, without even realizing it, you fall in love._

_The word “love” is used for so many different things as we tend to get older. We say that we love this or we love that and all these other things, and that’s all well and good, but there are all different kinds of love._

_The one I’m talking about is all consuming. It gets into every fibre of your being and even into your soul and makes you forget yourself completely. This is the “stomach is in knots, day gets better because you see them, can’t stop thinking about them when they’re not around” kind of love. It’s all encompassing, and at the same time, terrifying._

_You’ve got to try to choose the right moment to tell them how you feel, and perhaps ask if they feel the same way. Try to pick up on little clues if you can, and look for an opening._

_Unless you’re too shy (or scared). All the things that could happen run through your head. What if they’re struck dumb? What if the entire place goes quiet and everyone gets embarrassed and awkward? What if they reject you, and you still have to see and talk to them afterward?_

_Romance novels (and indeed, society in general), will tell you that all these problems and indicative of teenage romance, but that’s not true at all. Falling in love and the fear of rejection is the same in every man or woman, no matter how old you are._

_And then you start pining. You start to ask little questions, to see what information you can find, see if you have anything in common. For all you know, the subject could turn to family, whether or not you have any nieces of nephews, and whether you’re next in line to give your parents grandchildren._

_Now, of course, this conversation can be awkward at the best of times, especially if one of you feels something like this all encompassing love, but you can’t say anything; there are too many people around. It’s only a casual conversation, after all, there’s nothing at stake, nothing to lose…_

_Until they admit, while casually chatting, that they have a sweetheart, waiting at home._

_And that’s it, your soul turns inside out and your entire world (or scenario that you kept thinking about and adding to) shatters. The man you think… no, know you could be happy with will never be yours, all because someone else got there before you and he fell in love with him or her first._

_Damn it. Damn it all to Hell and back again._

_And you say that because you know that for all you try to forget that you ever had feelings for this man, you can’t. His face, his smile, the conversations you had, they stick in your memory. No matter what you do or say, to try to convince yourself that you’re happy you were able to make a new friend, you know you’re lying to yourself._

_It hurts to lose him, even if he was never yours to lose. It’s all you can think about. You think about just how broken-hearted you are, and you think of ways of how you will never feel this way again. You decide that, for all it is irrational, that you will do the following:_

_1\. You will shut off the part of your brain that allows you to open your heart to giving and receiving love._

_2\. You will grab it with both hands, squeeze the very breath out of it.  
_

_3: And then you will wrap it in ropes and chains and you will refuse to let it out again because it’s only going to cause trouble._

_Trouble is something you really don’t need right now, and really, that’s all love is. It causes trouble and it feeds on the trouble people make for each other and twists it. Love twists your emotions until you’re so screwed up you can’t see straight, and your heart breaks from remembering these things, all the things that you swore you’d never feel again._

_Love does all these things and so much more. Even if you don’t will it, and don’t want it, it still gets inside you._

_Even if this man didn’t do anything in particular to win your love and affection, and even if he didn’t realize he’d broken your heart, why should it hurt as much as it does? You know why that happens? Because it’s the nature of love. It makes you vulnerable. As much as we will it away, it is still always there._

_But then again, why do we continually write about love going wrong, and broken hearts? What could we possibly be waiting for? A different outcome? If that’s the case, then I’m sure it’s the very definition of insanity. I suppose we continually write about these things because it’s cathartic. We hurt so much at the loss of how things could have been that it is like having major surgery. One has surgery when something needs to be fixed or has to come out. Perhaps we also write about broken hearts and love that went wrong to possibly avoid making the same mistakes over and over again._

_It never works out that way._

_Or perhaps we write things like this out so whoever might find this later in life (or when we’re dead and gone), can learn from our mistakes. But, if history is anything to go by, human beings don’t learn. We constantly allow ourselves to get mixed up in so many tangled webs because we’re absolutely sure that this time will be different._

_This feeling of lust and possibly love will be different, we tell ourselves. We won’t make the same mistake again. But we always do, and why do we do this?_

_Because we’re fools._

_Human beings are foolish creatures, and liars on top of that, and every one of them a better liar than the person before them._

_Perhaps that’s why two people search each other out. To convince themselves that they don’t have to be alone for the rest of their lives._

_Or maybe it’s better that way._

“Of course it’s better that way, you fucking ninny,” Sarah Leland chided herself as she put down her pen and closed her notebook. “Of course he was never going to be in love with you. There’s someone else, there’s _always_ someone else, you should know that by now.”

Of course Ray Kowalski would be in love with Benton Fraser. Of course he’d try to find a way to let her down gently. Of course he wouldn’t realize he’d broken her heart, and if he did, he’d spend a very long time trying to make up for it, even if there was no possible way of fixing it.

It wasn’t fair. And sometimes she really _did_ feel like she was going to be alone for the rest of her life. After all, just a little over twenty-eight years old and her mother was already at her to settle down and start a family.

 _Well there must be something wrong with you, Sarah, if you don’t have any romantic prospects. Twenty-eight years old and no boyfriend? What are you doing wrong?_ _Must be that job of yours. How do you expect to keep a man if you’re not home enough? Oh, and by the way, we’re coming to visit next week, see if we can’t help you out with the romance part of it. Hope that’s okay. See you then!_

Sarah nearly jumped out of her skin. That phone call had been exactly a week ago, and her parents were due to arrive at her place at any moment.

_Shit!_

Scrambling, she practically raced to her phone and dialed the first number she could think of.

“Kowalski,” was the answer on the other end.

“Ray, oh thank Christ! It’s Sarah!”

“Sarah, what’s up? You okay?”

“Emergency! I need you and Ben to come over for dinner tonight. And bring wine.”

“This sounds promising,” he laughed. “Did you change your mind about that offer?”

“Oh fuck off, that offer was not even remotely serious. Hilarious, but not serious. No, my parents are coming, they’re due here any minute, and…”

“And what?”

“I need you to pretend you're my boyfriend.”


	2. The Start of a Bad Joke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it is the start of a most awkward dinner date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank everyone who is reading, but please don't be shy in telling me what you think. Feel free to comment, the door is always open.

Somehow, Ben and Ray showed up at the door dressed in collared shirts and jackets, with multiple grocery bags full of fresh ingredients, and bottles of wine, and all within 15 minutes of her phone call, no questions asked.

She was absolutely floored at their generosity. Never mind the fact that she was still half dressed in a bra and garter stockings with her hair up in a messy bun to keep it out of the food.

“Oh thank God! I love you, I love you,” she kissed them both on the cheek as they came through the doorway of her apartment. “I’ve got the lasagna ready to go into the oven and the bread sliced. If you’ve got salad ingredients in those bags, I beg of you, please put that together. I’ve got to finish getting dressed.”

And she bolted off toward her bedroom, leaving them to close the door and set to finishing up the dinner prep.

Sighing, Ben set the grocery bag on the counter and set to putting the lasagna into the oven, like she’d asked.

“You know, Ray, I don’t exactly feel comfortable with this…”

“It’s not that big a deal, Ben,” he answered. “All I’ve got to do is pretend to be her boyfriend for one night while her parents are in town for dinner. What’s the harm?”

“The harm, Ray, is that they might believe you, and expect to see you here every time they decide to call on her.”

“That’s called _acting_ , Fraser,” he chuckled. “And if it happens to be something that happens more than once, we’ll just deal with it. If it gets to be too much, we’ll call it off. We’re all friends here. No harm, no foul.”

“If you’re sure…"

“Sure I’m sure. I was married for quite a while, remember? I can impress the parents when needed.”

“Let’s hope this doesn’t backfire.”

“We’ll be fine,” Ray answered as he finished chopping green pepper and added it to the bowl of lettuce. “Hey, help me with the tomatoes and carrots?”

Just as they did so, Sarah emerged from her bedroom dressed in a slinky purple number that gave the illusion of hips and cleavage, as she was quite a short young lady, her hair still tied in that bedraggled bun.

“Hey, hot stuff. Who are you and what have you done with Sarah?” Ray whistled from the kitchen.  

“Ha ha, I love you too, handsome,” she fastened the back of her earring and made her way back into the kitchen, where she kissed them both again. “I can’t tell you how thankful I am that you guys came tonight. And for agreeing to this.”

“Actually, I…

“I know you’re not comfortable with this, Ben,” she answered, laying a hand on his arm as he set the now empty cutting board back onto the counter. “But I promise, it’s only for one night. I just want them off my back.”

“Have you tried telling them that you’re focused on your career?”

“Well sure. You’d think after the first eighteen, nineteen, twenty seven times I told them so they’d get it, but nope. Apparently not.”

Ray rolled his eyes and finished chopping cucumbers into the salad bowl. “What are we going to do when they figure out Ben and me are together?”

Sarah flashed him a smile before going to answer the door. “We can say you’re _both_ my boyfriends.”

Another knock.

Bracing herself, she turned the handle and pulled open the front door. “Hi Mum, Hi Dad!” she greeted the two wary travelers shuffling into the hallway.

“Hi sweet pea, oh you look gorgeous,” her mother set down her bag and promptly swept her daughter into a hug. “That dress is beautiful on you, you should wear it more often, and your hair! My goodness!”

“You’re squishing me, Mum,” she managed. “Ray! Come help me!”

Within seconds Ray had appeared by her side and gently pried her out of her mother’s grip. “Hey now, can’t have you two squeezing the life out of each other. It’s my job to wrinkle her dress.”

“Oh you’re a real laugh riot, my dear,” Sarah chuckled, pushing a hand into his chest.

“Hey Sarah, where can I put these?” her father asked, as though he’d just remembered his voice. "We brought pie for dessert."

“Oh, you didn't have to. How nice. Just put it on the counter in the kitchen, Dad. Anyway, Mum, this is Ray. Ray, this is my mum, Janine…”

“Hello hello,” he shook her hand. “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Leland.”

“Oh, darling, don’t fret. Please call me Janine,” she smiled as Ray let go and offered to hang her coat up. “And what a nice young man you are. Tell me, how did you two meet? I’m assuming that…”

“Yes, Mum, Ray is my boyfriend,” she reached behind her back and crossed her fingers, signaling to Ben that things were about to become extremely awkward if something didn’t happen soon. “And our friend Ben is in the kitchen. Believe me, if they hadn’t stepped in, we’d all be eating Chinese for dinner. Nearly burned the lasagna. Ben is a great cook. Me, not so much. But then again, you knew that.”

“Is Ben single?”

Suddenly a loud coughing fit summoned both Sarah and Ray back to the kitchen where they found Ben pouring himself a glass of water.

“I’m terribly sorry for that, Mr. Leland. Could I get you anything to drink?"

“Oh, heh, no thanks Ben…” he clapped Ben on the back and chuckled. “Now then, where did Ray and Sarah find you?”

“Dad, you make Ben sound like a lost puppy.” Sarah chuckled as Ray kissed her temple and disappeared from her side.

“No no, Sarah, it’s alright.” Ben picked up the salad and brought it to the table. “I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father and for many reasons that really don’t need explaining, I chose to stay.”

“I’m sorry to hear about your father,” Janine came into the dining room and sat down, opening a bottle of wine as she did so.

“Oh thank you kindly, ma’am,” he answered, adjusting one of the forks and heading back to the kitchen to rescue the lasagna from the oven. “Ray, Sarah, are you two alright?”

“Perfectly,” Sarah called back as she turned off the music that had been playing. “Ray’s just in the washroom, he’ll be right out.”

“Excellent,” Ben grinned at her from across the room. “Lasagna’s ready. Did you want to sit?”

“Just let me make sure we’ve got everything we need. Come help me check the fridge…”

Ben nodded and did as she asked. Bending so that they both had their heads in the fridge, she kissed him quietly on the cheek.

“I know this sucks horribly, and I promise I’ll make it up to you. Thank you, Ben. Truly.”

He smiled. It was a sort of smile that hid the tension in his body at the thought of deceiving anyone, much less Sarah’s parents.

Assorted salad dressings in hand, they closed the fridge and walked back to the table together just as Ray emerged from the washroom.

“So, Sarah, my dear. You know that we came to see if we could help you with your little romance problem, but it seems you don’t need it, now that you’ve got Ray.”

“Uh huh,” she grit her teeth as she poured a sizable amount of wine into her mother’s glass before offering it to both of her friends, who had seated themselves on either side. “Listen, Mum, it’s nice that you came out here and all, but…”

“No, no, no need to thank us, dear,” Janine interrupted. “Now, tell us how you and Ray met…”

Sighing, Sarah picked up the salad bowl and passed it over the table to her father.

It was going to be a very long dinner.


	3. When You Haven't Got a Prayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the consequences of the extremely awkward dinner party are explored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This got a little bit hot toward the end of the chapter, so I'll be upping the rating of the story. But I really hope you like it. Please feel free to comment, the door is always open.

If Sarah didn’t know any better, she’d think Ray had been asked to pretend to be someone’s boyfriend before. Both she and Ben listened intently as he crafted a narrative explaining how they had met.

It had been at a charity dinner and fundraiser, where she had been invited by one of their fellow officers. She’d come into the room on the guy’s arm, and Ray, having come alone, had immediately started trying to find a way to talk to her. When it had become painfully clear that her date was more interested in the bar than her and she’d been left at their assigned table to watch from the sidelines, he’d stolen her away for a dance. And, for what it was worth, he’d asked if her dance card was full, and she had said yes, provided he was the only one she’d be dancing with.

All of this was true, of course leaving out the part where Ray had come alone to that charity event, despite the fact that he and Ben were a couple themselves.

“Well isn’t that sweet?” Janine was positively beaming. “Ben, were you there as well?”

“Yes ma’am I was,” Ben answered. “At the time I was escorting my superior officer, Inspector Thatcher, as that is standard practice,” he handed his plate to Sarah as she cut into the lasagna, put a piece on his plate, and set it back down on the table. “Thank you kindly, Sarah.”

“Always, my dear,” she winked. “Mum, did you want some?”

“Thank you, honey,” Janine took the offered plate back. “So Ray, when was this charity event? How long have you two been together?”

“Oh…” he took a sip of wine and looked at both Sarah and Ben. “That was… what? A year and a half ago?”

“Yes, something like that,” she smiled, sitting back down and taking a sip of wine. “And we started dating… six months ago?”

Ray nodded.

“Right, six months ago,” she hastily agreed. “Really, Mum, Dad, I promise, we treat each other well. It’s not a huge deal.”

“Not a big deal?” Janine sputtered. “Sarah, honey, it’s been at least four years since you lost had a boyfriend. This is fantastic news!”

“Mum, please…”

“Four years?” Ben leaned forward.

“I told you about that, both of you,” she made a point of squeezing their hands, symbolizing that they would talk about it later.

“Right, you did,” Ben nodded.

“Janine,” her father spoke for the first time since sitting down. “Leave them be. I don’t see how it’s a big deal, as she said.”

“Oh Jeffrey, shut up,” Janine was too excited to even hear what anyone had to say. “So, Missy, do I hear wedding bells?”

She choked, sputtering and trying to catch the wine that had now splashed down her dress. “What?” she accepted the napkin that Ray offered and wiped her mouth. “No! For the love of God, no!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that Ray and I will most certainly not be getting married any time soon,” she blotted the napkin at the stain on the front of her dress. “It’s just not in the plan.”

“Well why not?”

She sighed, putting her head in her hands. “Because six months is not enough time to decide if you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone.”

“Your father and I…”

“Oh Jesus wept!” she mumbled into her hands before looking up and staring at her mother intently. “I am going to say this one more time, and _only_ one more time. We are not you!” she pushed her chair back from the table and stood up. “Ray, Ben, would you…”

“Yes honey,” Ray caught her meaning as she went back to the bathroom and closed the door. They heard water running and splashing from the tap; evidently she was trying to calm herself down.

And then they heard it. There was a horrible retching sound that made everyone’s stomachs drop into their feet.

“Well it seems that there’s no point in you staying if Sarah’s feeling ill,” Ben covered for her, ignoring the fact that four people probably felt the exact same way. “I’ll get your coats.”

“But if she’s ill…” Janine got up from her seat and made for the bathroom.

“We’ll take care of her,” Ray stopped her, standing in front of the door and gently turning Janine toward the door. “Come on, we’ll walk you to the door.”

Very calmly, the two men walked Sarah’s parents out the door and, once they left, they turned their attention to their friend still in the bathroom.

Ben pushed the door open to find her with her hair out of its elastic, spitting toothpaste and mouthwash into the sink and rinsing her mouth out. He could see she’d been crying; her cheeks were tear stained and her makeup had run.

“I wanted to get the taste out of my mouth,” she grabbed a towel and wiped her mouth.

And then her face crumpled. She fell forward, Ben catching her before she hit the floor.

“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed, burying her face into his chest. “You two didn’t deserve that. At all.”

“Shh…” he soothed, raining a hand over her hair. “Don’t you worry, none of this is your fault. Ray?”

Not a second later, Ray joined them on the floor, wrapping his arms around her back, whispering just loud enough to let her know he was there, but not so that she would lose her lifeline in Ben.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed again. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I just wanted them off my back, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey honey, it’s alright,” Ray assured her, rubbing circles on her back. “Uh, what do you say we get you out of this dress and into the tub, hmm? A bath might help.”

She sniffled, and nodded, letting go of Ben and sitting up on her knees.

“Okay…” Ray let go of her and shuffled back. The zipper on the back of the dress made it easily accessible, and, very slowly, he lowered it. “Keep your eyes on Ben, sweetheart…”

**ooOoo**

Sweet Baby Jesus, she thought, suddenly intrigued. That sounded more erotic than anything she’d ever heard in her entire life.

As he’d asked, she kept her focus on Ben as Ray very carefully took the straps of the dress off her shoulders and bunched it just underneath her bra. “Arms up…”

She obeyed, staring at Ben, whose hands were resting on her thighs. Good, this was good. They were keeping her anchored to something real. She could see them, she could touch them, she could hear them…

The dress went over her head and somehow made its way onto the floor, leaving her in her bra and panties.

And still Ben did not move.

She felt Ray place a kiss on her shoulder, moving her bra strap out of the way.

“You okay, Sarah?” he whispered in her ear.

“Dear Lord,” she breathed. “Touch me…”

And then she felt the clasp go, and suddenly she was naked from the waist down. Ray’s arms went around her from the back, settling just underneath her breasts.

“You’re absolutely sure?” Ben asked.

“Uh huh,” she reached for his hand and pressed it to the top of her panties. Turning her head, she captured Ray’s lips in a hard but quick kiss. Reaching, she brought his hand down and laid it over Ben’s.

It didn’t take a genius to understand what she wanted.

Turning her attention back to Ben, she guided him through the act of moving her panties to one side, and curling two fingers into her heat.

Her sigh was enough to make Ray realize what exactly she needed. Her brought his fingers down over her clit and lightly pinched, feeling her body starting to melt against him and throw her head back, hitting his collarbone.

They both felt Ben shift before they saw him, Sarah mourning the loss of his fingers. He was now lying on his stomach, looking up at the two of them as though they were the most beautiful people he’d ever seen, silently asking for permission.

Sarah shifted in response, moving so that she now sat on Ray’s lap and, oh, there it was. Ben’s tongue joined Ray’s fingers, and _now_ Sarah was the most reactive he’d ever seen her. Absolutely lost to her own pleasure. That’s what this was about, they both knew. She needed comfort, and damn if they weren’t going to give that to her, however she might have needed it.

She was moaning and squirming under their ministrations. With Ray’s fingers on her clit and Ben sucking and licking, it was no wonder she was about to lose control.

And then, a noise you don’t hear outside porn films filled the air, and Sarah was shaking with the most intense orgasm she’d ever had.

All three of them exhausted, they lay together on the bathroom floor, any mention of a bath long since forgotten.

“Oh…” she fought to catch her breath. “Wow!”

“Hmm?”

“You two are amazing…” she managed.

“Well thank you, my dear,” Ben murmured, his head resting on her stomach. His hair was mussed where she had pulled on it, giving him instructions on how exactly she wanted his mouth to be moving.

“One question though.”

“Yes?”

“Why are we still lying on the floor?”

“Well if you can walk, we didn’t do our job,” Ray was fighting to keep his eyes open.

“Pervert,” she laughed, curling into Ray’s side and motioning to Ben to lie down beside her, effectively sandwiching her between them. “You didn’t need to do that. How can I thank you?”

Ben leaned over and kissed her.

Which was surprising. Ben had never kissed her before. Sure, Ray had, plenty of times, and always in a playful manner. But, if he felt that’s what he needed to do, then she wasn’t going to discourage it.

“Sleep here with us,” he murmured, placing his head on her shoulder.

She could do that.


	4. Our Vices and Secrets the Morning After We Have Committed Them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the night before (which just happened to take place in a bathroom). To warn you, this chapter got angsty, and it mentions a subject/event that some readers may find very upsetting. Please proceed with caution. 
> 
> Also, please feel free to comment, the door is always open.

When she woke the next morning on the bathroom floor, it took her a few seconds to remember how exactly this had happened. Somehow they are all found themselves in the bathroom, on the floor, her dress and bra thrown into the corner, and the bathroom smelling strongly of sex.

But they _hadn’t_ had sex. She remembered that much.

No, they’d just worked together and given her the most powerful orgasm she’d ever had, because that was just buddies.

After all, friends help friends come all over the bathroom and then they fall asleep together. Isn’t that something everybody does?

She groaned as she sat up and stretched, shaking her head.

“Good morning, beautiful,” Ray murmured, turning over and tucking one arm behind his head, looking at her through half-lidded eyes.

“Good morning, sexy,” I answered, knowing that Ben, no matter how exhausted he was, was usually the first one awake. In fact, she wasn’t even sure he was still in the bathroom. “How’d you sleep?”

“Like a rock,” Ray answered. “How about you?”

She chuckled. “After what you two did for me last night, fucking brilliantly, thank you,” she stood up and took her housecoat off the back of the door. “Now I’ve got to go clean up the mess we left last night after all Hell broke loose.”

But, not one to leave a man who had spent a night on a bathroom floor alone, she waited until he got up himself before going out to the kitchen.

Only to find that the table had been cleared and the dishes done, and Ben at the stove, cooking something that smelled absolutely amazing.

“Ben, you didn’t have to,” Sarah walked up, wrapped her arms around him from behind, and laid her head on his shoulder blade. “Thank you.”

“Not any trouble,” he insisted, running a spatula through the mixture in the pan. “I thought it was the least I could do.”

“What? Oh Ben,” she squeezed him once before letting him continue with breakfast. “Listen, both you and Ray did something amazing for me last night, and I’m not talking about what happened in the bathroom,” she went over to the coffee maker and set it to brew. “It would have been a lot worse if you hadn’t been there. And now here you are making us all breakfast, and I don’t even know how I could possibly repay you. For any of it.”

“That’s not necessary, sweetheart,” Ray chimed in, rubbing the back of his head and leaning against the kitchen door frame. “You don’t owe us anything.”

“Ray is absolutely right, Sarah,” Ben turned off the burner and moved what turned out to be scrambled eggs and peppers to a serving plate. “Although I will admit to being very uncomfortable with the entire idea at first, I now see why you needed us there.”

“I’m so sorry for how rude my mother was,” she told them, pouring fresh coffee into three mugs and carrying them to the table. “She’s not usually that bad, but ever since…”

“Ever since what?”

She sighed. Might as well tell them now. After all, she _had_ promised them that she would explain what _four years_ meant, even if it had been a silent promise.

“You know how she was so happy thinking that you and I were together, Ray?” Sarah rummaged in the cupboard for clean plates and cutlery and going back out to the table. “And just how fantastic the news was? Because I hadn’t had a boyfriend in over four years?”

He nodded.

“That’s because I gave up on love,” she answered, setting everything down and heading back to the kitchen, checking the coffee and following Ben back out. “Ever since my miscarriage, and my last boyfriend running around on me, I swore I would never fall in love again.”

Ray gripped the back of the chair, his knuckles white. “Can you repeat that?”

“Miscarriage, Ray,” she obliged. “And I was so happy when I first found out I was pregnant, I really was. I wanted to be a mother so badly; until I found out…” she swallowed the sob that was building in the back of her throat. “Until I found out he’d poked a hole in the condom and tried to trap me.”

She felt Ben wrap his arms around her middle and rest his head on her shoulder, saying nothing. Ray seemed frozen in place, absolutely stunned. Perhaps he hadn’t expected to hear something like that.

“We had a big blowout fight because of that,” she continued. “I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him romantically, but I wouldn’t stop him if he ever wanted to see his child. I’m not cruel; every child deserves both parents in their lives, if we could work together to be good co-parents. We just did not need to be together, especially if every conversation we had was going to turn into an argument,” she couldn’t stop herself, since she'd not been able to talk to anyone about it before. “But then he started getting into the most ridiculous bullshit I’d ever heard. Something about how he couldn’t be sure the baby was his because he’d heard I’d been fucking his friends. Ha! Laughable. Meanwhile, he’s fucking everything that walks with a wiggle.”

“Why did you not leave him?” Ben asked in response.

“I was blind,” she answered. “That’s the only explanation I can offer. I was blind and stupid and thought I was in love, and I felt like it was all I deserved.”

Words seemed to die in Ray’s throat as he looked at her, and Ben’s expression was unreadable. It was his “Mountie Mask”, Ray knew, and as though he were thinking of a million and one ways to make this unnamed former boyfriend of hers pay dearly.

“So, anyway,” she continued, resting her hand on Ben’s forearm. “The screaming match was so loud that the neighbours banged on the door to get us to shut up, and we _did_ calm down, but soon after that, I went into early labour.”

“How…” Ray had somehow managed to unstick his throat. “How early?”

“Twenty-four weeks,” she answered. “He wouldn't even go to the hospital with me. And when he finally did show up, it was all over," she fought to keep herself calm. She could scream _after_ she'd finished the story, she told herself. "The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck, and she wasn’t breathing…”

Ray saw Sarah’s shoulders heave. Making his feet move, he wrapped his arms around both her and Ben, sandwiching her between them.

“My mum and dad don’t know about the fight and how he didn't come to the hospital,” she continued. “I mean, they know about the baby, but we don’t talk about what happened,” she struggled to take a deep breath, her voice cracking. “Oh God, she was so beautiful,” Sarah sobbed into Ray’s chest. “I wanted her so badly, and the bastard blamed me for it. Said it was my punishment for being such a slag, and then he left me. Haven’t heard hide nor hair from him since.”

Ray lowered his face into her hair and kissed her.

“After I buried her, I swore I would never fall in love again,” she muttered, pulling away from them both and wiping her eyes. “I didn’t want to go through that pain. But then I met you and immediately went head over heels, and then I found out you two were together and it broke my heart,” she confessed. “God, I sound like such an idiot. Because I realize now just how much I love you both, even if there’s no way we could ever be together…”

“Sarah…” Ben turned her around and put a finger under her chin and lifted it, so that she was focused on him. “You deserve the best, and if that’s not us, when you find someone who is utterly perfect for you, you'll be so much happier for it.”

“But wait a minute,” Ray interjected, maneuvering them over to the chairs and getting them both to sit down. “Who’s to say that, if we really worked at it, the three of us couldn’t work out?”

Sarah’s mouth dropped open, her hands wrapped around one of the mugs of coffee they’d put on the table, staring at him in shock. “Did you just say what I thought you said?"


	5. They Flew About Together, Hand in Hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The muse wouldn't let me rest until I had written this chapter. I hope it's a good mixture of humour and happiness and (a bit of) sadness. Chapter title and a little passage later in the chapter is borrowed from Hans Christian Andersen. As always, please feel free to comment, the door is always open.

She sat blinking, as though she couldn’t believe what he’d offered.

“You’re serious,” she bit down on her lip, still in shock. “Wait a minute… _are_ you serious?” she sputtered. “I’m not going crazy, am I, Ben? Did you hear that as well?”

“Yes I did,” Ben nodded, sitting down next to her. “And truth be told, it’s not an unappealing offer by any means.”

“Uh…” she was struck dumb.

“Hey, I’m not saying you have to answer now,” Ray continued. “I mean, if it’s really not what you want…”

“I don’t know what I want, in terms of a relationship. It’s been so long,” Sarah admitted. “You’re my two best friends, but I do know that I don’t want to ruin what we have by complicating our relationship with sex.”

“Little late for that, don’t you think?”

“No, because we didn’t have sex,” Sarah answered. “I mean, sure, it _could_ have turned into sex if we went any further, but what happened between us, that was buddies. You’ve said it yourself, time and again.”

“You know, that’s funny, but I don’t remember ever making you come like that before,” Ray countered. “Are you saying that you’d rather we use each other?”

“Not _use_ , exactly,” she answered. “After all, what’s wrong with friends with benefits?” she took a sip of coffee.  “You get me off, I get you two off whenever we need it. As long as we’re safe about it, what’s the harm?”

“Now you’re starting to sound like Ray,” Ben chuckled. “Although I do see your point. It could get very complicated if we’re not careful.”

“So, what? You’re saying you both just want to have our relationship stay as it is? With the sex included?”

“Yes, “ they chorused.

"Although we probably shouldn't say it quite like that. It makes us sound like a TV commercial. "Batteries not included, must be legal drinking age", things like that," Sarah added, smiling.

Ray rolled his eyes. “Alright, fine, forget I asked.”

“Hey,” she got up and went to him, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him. “I could never forget an offer like that,” she snaked a hand down his front and trailed her fingers around his waist. “Since I know you don’t offer it to just anyone.” She reached out her free hand toward Ben.

Heeding her silent invitation, he joined them, the three of them standing together and holding each other up through a hale of confusion and unanswered questions.

“Could I ask you something, though?” she whispered as they stood together.

“Yeah, of course,” Ray answered, squeezing her tight.

“I want to go bring her flowers,” Sarah told them. “My baby girl. But it’s gotten so hard to go alone. Would you come with me?”

Touched by her gesture, both he and Ben answered that of course they would come with her, and help to plant them if that’s what she wanted.

“I couldn’t afford much,” Sarah continued as she let go of them and sat back at the table. “But if the only thing I could do as her mother was give her a decent burial, I wanted her to have a nice little place to rest.”

“Tell me what she looked like?” Ben reached for her hand and sat her down at the table as Ray scooped the still-warm eggs and peppers onto plates for them.

Sarah took a deep breath, and remembered.

“She looked like me…” she started, closing her eyes, picturing her daughter’s delicate features in her mind’s eye. “She hadn’t developed eyelashes yet, but her fingernails were translucent and so delicate, her hands and feet were so small, she couldn’t even hold my index finger all the way around…” she gulped, her eyes still closed. “She had a little bit of hair, just enough to smooth down. I think she would have had a full head of hair if she’d lived, I was already having terrible heartburn…” She was gripping Ben’s hand tighter than before, sure that if she didn’t, she would be adrift, like a raft out at sea.

“Won’t let you go,” Ben whispered in her ear, as though he’d sensed her anguish and fear. “Ray’s here too. Keep going if you need to.”

 She felt Ray’s arm going around her shoulder, signaling that Ben was right.

“Her nose was just slightly button-like, as though you could push it with your forefinger and she’d giggle,” she continued. “And her mouth looked like a little rosebud. So tiny…” she opened her eyes and saw her friends’ faces, their entire focus on her and her story.  “I don’t hate that she’s an angel, because how can anyone hate an angel? I just… I hate that I lost my chance.”

First Ray, then Ben, leaned in and kissed her temple.

“I hate that I lost my chance to be her mother. I hate that my body rejected her because of all the stress I put myself through, I hate that instead of finding her a school to attend, I’m asking you to help me put flowers on her grave…”

She let out a sob and tried to pull herself together. “I need to have a shower and get dressed,” she stammered, changing the subject.

“Hey, hey…” Ray stopped her. “What do you say we just lie down together?”

“I can’t…”

“Why not?” he asked. “Just lie down, sweetheart. Telling a story like that, it's tough on anyone. Besides, after a night of sleeping on a bathroom floor, the bed’s probably a lot more comfortable.”

“No argument there,” she agreed, and led them both by the hands into her bedroom.

She’d made sure to make the bed and put her clothes away the night before, thanking whatever deity had put the idea of a queen size bed into her head the day she bought it. There was enough room for all three of them to rest comfortably. Looking around, she was almost proud of her little home.

“Unless I’m sitting on your face, my weight is none of your concern…” Ben read the little poster (complete with pinup girl) that she’d hung up just behind the door.

“Like that, do you?” she smirked. “Found that at a little hole in the wall and thought it was perfect for me. Although I’m never heard of anyone complaining about my body when I’ve been in bed with them, least of all you two.” She undid her housecoat, draped it across the back of her chair and quickly set to work undoing the garter belt and releasing the stockings. Pulling them off, she stood naked in front of them.

“You are beautiful,” Ben breathed, almost as though he’d lost the ability to speak.

“And I also need a shower,” she repeated as she pulled open the closet and retrieved a towel. “If you want to join me, fine, but no funny business. I just want to wash my hair… “

She turned back around to see that both Ray and Ben were under the blanket and curled around each other.

“Or you can both lie in my bed, that’s fine too.”

Without another word, she raced to the bathroom and quickly did what she’d gone there to do. When she returned to the bedroom, she climbed in between her best friends and pulled them close.

“I love you,” she whispered to them both.

Later, when they had all eaten, showered and dressed again, Sarah had had no problem with going back to Ben and Ray’s apartment, if only to let them get a change of clothes and to see Diefenbaker. She’d always liked the half-wolf, but today he seemed to be keeping a very close watch on the bird on the windowsill, not even remotely interested in her and her presence in the apartment.

But once ready to depart, Diefenbaker jumped at the chance to go on an adventure, and, gathering into the GTO (or Goat, as Ray sometimes referred to it), they drove to the flower shop around the corner.

“Would you like me to go in with you?” Ray asked.

“No, that’s alright,” Sarah answered. “I know what I’m looking for. I won’t be more than five minutes.”

And, true to her word, she was back, and they drove in silence to the cemetery.

Sarah, Ben, and Ray, accompanied by Diefenbaker, made their way in silence through the rows upon rows of headstones, hundreds of stories that had ended, some too early, and some just at the right time, some that would never be told.

Suddenly she stopped in front of a small, polished stone laid in the earth under a tree in full bloom.

“Hello darling…” she whispered, handing the flowers to Ray and falling to her knees.

All three of them stared at the stone.

_Elena Lorraine Leland_

_October 25, 1995_

_The child received wings like the other angel, and they flew about together, hand in hand._

“I’m so sorry I haven’t been to see you for a little while,” she spoke quietly, reaching her arm back, where Ray placed the unwrapped flowers in her hand. Very carefully, as though they were made of glass, placed them on the stone. “It’s very beautiful out today. Your tree is in full bloom; some of the blossoms have fallen to make room for new ones. Maybe you think they tickle…”

She let out something between a sob and a chuckle, softly slapping her hands on her thighs.

“I love you so much, baby girl,” she spoke to the headstone as though she were speaking to a child standing in front of her. “But don't you worry, Mummy’s okay,” she took a deep breath. “My friends are here too, maybe you can see them. They’re both police officers, and they came with me to bring you flowers. Like I said I would…” she wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry I never got a chance to be your Mummy. I wanted you so badly, but I guess God needed you more.”

She kissed her fingers and tapped them over her name engraved on the stone.

“Mummy’s going to go now, sweet girl. I love you, I’ll come visit again soon.”

With that, she composed herself, got up, and turned toward Ray and Ben. Ray was fighting tears, and Ben had reverted back to what she could only assume was his “Mountie Mask”, the one where you couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

Silently, the three of them, followed by Diefe, began the walk back out toward the car.

Then she heard it.

She suddenly stopped and listened to the echo of a little girl’s laughter carrying on the wind.


	6. Cut Steel Wired Into Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to post this chapter. My 8 year old laptop decided to pack it in last week, and I only just got my new laptop today. Luckily I was able to save everything from my old hard drive, including this story. As always, please feel free to comment, the door is always open.

Once they returned to Sarah’s apartment, they spent the rest of the day in bed making love, legs tangled in bed sheets and blankets. All three of them whispering silent pleas, battling their own demons and keeping the monsters at bay.

For once, Sarah mused as she untangled herself and went to sit at the writing desk in her bedroom, there were no monsters. Just three people worn out from a marathon of sex and love. To be naked, sitting in her bedroom and seeing Ben and Ray asleep in her bed was such a gift. Hair tossled, they looked so peaceful, and…

And at the same time, she knew she couldn’t claim them.

They weren’t hers, and she didn’t belong to them. Not really. After all, Ben and Ray had been friends and partners and lovers long before she had met either of them. What right did she have to ask them anything, aside from the occasional rescue from dinner parties from Hell and maybe, just maybe, the occasional fuck?

Jesus, they needed to do something other than fuck each other senseless. Not that that wasn’t a good use of their time, but soon the weekend would be over, and they’d have to go back to being Ray Kowalski, Chicago PD and Benton Fraser, RCMP.

And she’d have to go back to being Sarah Leland, one of the many faceless desk jockey receptionists at one of the local paper companies.

_Well fuck you too, Life. Fuck you with a hot poker up your ass._

She was jarred out of her thoughts by the phone ringing in the other room. Not even bothering to grab her housecoat (because who would be around to care about what she was or was not wearing?), she went and answered it just before the answering machine switched on.

“Hello, Sarah Leland speaking.”

“Hi honey!”

“Oh. Hi Mum,” she fought the urge to roll her eyes, despite the fact that her mother wouldn’t be able to see her. “How are you?”

“Oh, I’m fine, honey, just fine,” she sounded just a little too happy for a Saturday afternoon. “How about you? I just wanted to be sure you’re alright after you were so sick last night." 

“Oh yeah, perfectly fine. Ray and Ben have been taking very good care of me,” she answered. “Whatever it was seems to have worked itself out of my system.”

“That’s good. Anyway, I wanted to ask if you and Ray would like to join your Dad and I for dinner tomorrow.”

“Uh…” she walked back over to the bedroom door to see it had been closed. “I’ll have to ask him. It’s been a really busy day.”

“Busy, of course,” Janine’s voice had a hint of _I really don’t believe you but I’ll pretend I do to avoid inducing any heart attacks_ to it. “I’m sure. I’m sorry to have woken you.”

“I was already awake, Mum,” Sarah answered, twisting the phone cord in her fingers. “Why would I be asleep? It’s three in the afternoon.”

“Oh no reason, just a thought I had,” she could swear her mother was smiling down the phone line. “Now, if you want my advice…”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Don’t break your heart over a man like Ray, not like last time.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” the conversation had taken a very quick turn, and Sarah knew she wasn't going to like the direction it was taking. “Do you even know what you’re talking about?”

“It’s a thought I had…”

“You have a lot of those,” Sarah deadpanned, feeling very vulnerable and wishing she _had_ brought a housecoat.

“I think there might be something going on with Ray and your friend Ben…”

“That is not up for discussion, don’t even try it,” she turned to look over her shoulder and saw both parties in question emerging from the bedroom in fresh clothes, baring that longed-for housecoat. They wrapped it around her shoulders and tied it at the waist for her, but not before Ray got down on his knees and kissed her navel.

Her eyes fluttered closed in response as Ray got back up and winked at her, a promise of something more to come later.

“If you have a problem with how I live my life, then let’s talk about it. Don’t bring them into it, because we all know you don’t have any sort of problem with them, it’s me.”

“No it’s not you, honey…"

“Then what is it?” she grit her teeth, turning away from the men staring at her and staring at the computer, sitting quietly on the table by the window over-looking the sidewalk and jungle gym just outside. “Why are you always on me about getting married, starting a family? Why is that so important to you?”

“I just don’t want you to end up alone, sweetheart.”

“I’ll be alone if I choose to be, Mum,” she ran a hand down her face as Ben brought her a mug of tea, pressing it into her hands as she cradled the phone between her shoulder and ear. “It’ll happen when I want it to happen, and not before. This is about the twenty-eighth time I've said this, and it will be the last time: stop harping on me about marriage and children and whether or not I’ve got a boyfriend. If it happens again, you will no longer be allowed to visit me, and I will cease to have a mother. Understood?”

"You don't appreciate anything I do for you!"

"Like what?" she spat back into the phone. "Commenting on my love life? Asking about my best friends when it's none of your business? Inviting yourself over to my apartment because you think I'm a failure? Because if _that's_ what you're talking about, then no."

There was nothing except a single sob and the phone on the other end clicking down in response.

Sarah replaced the phone in its cradle and marveled at the silence in the apartment. Turning around, she saw both Ray and Ben frozen in place and staring at her, unsure of what to do or say.

She shrugged.

“It had to be done,” she whispered, to herself more than anyone. “I had to say that, it had to be done… I… I can’t believe I did that…”

Still in shock, she barely registered the fact that one of them had taken the tea mug out of her hands, picked her up and was carrying her to the bathroom. This time, they lowered her into the tub, stripped her of her housecoat, found the bath plug, and pulled on the faucet.

Soon, the tub was filling with warm water, pooling around her thighs, stopping just before it reached her hips.

“Hey…” she heard one of them talking to her. “Hey, Sarah, you in there?”

There was another hand in the water, swirling it and letting it break over her legs, as though she were sitting in the sand on a beach.

“All my fault,” she muttered to the tiles on the wall. “All my fault…”

“What is?”

“All of this. All my fault,” she repeated.

Finally, she felt drops of water hit her in the nose, bringing her back to herself.

“What?” she blinked at Ray to see him smiling at her. “What did you splash me for?”

“To bring you back,” he leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Where were you?”

“I don’t know,” she shook her head. “But now I can see I’m sitting naked in a bathtub when I’m not sure how I got here.”

“I carried you in here,” he answered, moving a stray piece of hair off her face. “Ben’s changing the sheets in the bedroom. Once we’re done here, we’re going to put you back to bed and then head home.”

“Don’t leave me,” she pleaded, sudden terror in her voice. "You're so good to me, both of you, and I don't deserve you, but please don't leave me here alone."

“We're just going to get Diefe,” Ray insisted. “We're not going to leave you alone all night, but Diefe needs human contact as well. He'll sleep here with us.”

“Why does she hate me?” Sarah blurted.

“She doesn’t hate you.” Ray insisted, picking up on the quick change of subject. "She's your Mum, she worries about you."

“She's overbearing and nosy," Sarah countered, rubbing her eye. "And don’t tell me I was harsh,” she continued, handing him a sponge and a bar of soap.

“Not what I was thinking at all,” he pulled on the faucet again and placed the soap and sponge under the running water, creating a lather and running it down her back. “That took guts, sweetheart. I just hope it’s enough to get her to stop asking.”

“You're lying, but I appreciate the thought," she could see it in his face that perhaps she had been a little too harsh. Truth be told, she had no intention of following through on the threat, provided she didn't hear another word about it from her mother. "I hope so too,” she bent her head back and sighed as he washed her back. “Oh, be careful there…”

“Soap in a cut?”

“Just a bit...” she winced.

“Sorry,” he wrung the sponge out and ran it down her back again, cleansing said cut and reaching for a towel.

“Ready to get out?”

“Uh huh…”

He stood up and offered her his hand. As she stood up, she wrapped the towel around herself and quietly walked back to the bedroom, where Ben was waiting. He’d pulled the blanket back and let her climb back in, fresh sheets put on and the window open for fresh air.

Smiling, they tucked her into bed and closed the bedroom door behind them, promising that they’d be back as soon as they could.  

And that was the last thing she heard before falling asleep.

Unfortunately, sleep didn't come easy.


	7. I'm a Million Miles Away, Looking For a Place to Land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which an early morning conversation leads to interesting results

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank everyone who has read and commented so far. It's because of you that I feel so confident in writing due South fan fiction. As always, please feel free to comment, the door is always open.

Sleeping on the couch from time to time did have its advantages, but not this time. How had she ended up on the couch? And in so awkward a position? She distinctly remembered Ben tucking her into bed. Had she gotten up and gotten water, and then just been too tired to walk the rest of the way back to bed?

She rolled over to see Ray and Ben asleep on the floor, blankets and pillows spread out and covering them. From the looks of things, she’d tucked herself in on the couch once they’d come back, not wanting to sleep alone.

Sitting up, she couldn’t help but notice that Diefe was also asleep under the kitchen table, whoofing softly, as though he were chasing rabbits or something.

She must have had a nightmare, she concluded. That was the only time she’d ever find herself sleeping on the couch, and Ben and Ray sleeping on her floor to make sure she was alright.

How had this turned into something so complicated? All she’d asked them to do was come over to her place for dinner and hopefully get her parents off her back, and now she’d tentatively agreed to a menage a trois friends with benefits situation and had had to threaten to disown her mother if she asked one more time about marriage and children and grandchildren.

Was it really so hard to believe that she was happy to be single? Who should care if she was alone? And, if she ever did feel lonely, Ray had made a good point. Who was to say the three of them wouldn’t work out if they decided to pursue a relationship other than just friends with benefits?

Society, for one thing. She hadn’t heard of many threesomes who could be out and proud and still be treated as any other functioning member of the population. They’d have to keep it secret, and that was no way for a relationship to flourish. If they loved each other, they should be able to love each other openly and without fear of retribution.

Dear God, she sounded like a public service announcement.

She stretched and sat up, which immediately woke both Diefenbaker and Ben.

“Are you alright, Sarah?”

“Peachy,” she answered, swinging her legs over and slowly putting her feet on the floor. “How did I end up out here?”

“We heard you crying, it sounded like you were having night terrors. Although you seemed to settle down after we brought you out here." 

“Night terrors?” she hadn’t had one of those for years. “Did I say anything?”

“Someone was coming to kill you,” he answered, going into the kitchen and starting the kettle for tea and coffee. “You were trying to kick them away, and you kept saying something about the floor falling out underneath you.”

“Oh…” she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Oh, that’s an old one. A very old one.”

He nodded. “Do you remember when it first started?”

“About six, when my father died,” Sarah admitted.

To his credit, Ben’s face did not betray the confusion he was sure to have been feeling.

“Forgive me, but… did we not just meet your father?”

“Yes,” she answered. “But Jeffrey Leland is not my biological father.”

He nodded, urging her to continue as he unplugged the kettle and came to sit next to her on the couch, stepping over Ray, who, rather conveniently, it seemed, was snoring softly, the blanket pulled over his head to block out any sort of light or sound.

“Not that it really matters, he married my mom when I was seven and adopted me that same year,” she continued. “He’s my dad, and that’s all there is to it.”

“Understood,” he gripped her around the shoulders and pulled her to him, cradling her against his chest.

“Anyway, I think the night terrors started happening when my biological father died,” she murmured. “We were both in a bad accident. The car was mangled, and I survived.” She drew in a shaky breath. “He didn’t, though. The driver’s side had been smashed on impact, and the airbag didn’t deploy.”

Her breath quickening, she pulled away from Ben and stared at her hands, as though she couldn’t believe that she was telling him this. She hadn’t thought about it in years, and suddenly it had bubbled to the surface and causing restless nights.

“They pulled me from the wreckage, not a scratch on me, but whenever I thought about it, my stomach would drop into my feet and the floor would feel like it was falling out from under me,” she whispered, shaking more fiercely now. “And I used…” she drew in another shaky breath, holding her hand over her mouth. “I used to pray to God and ask why He’d taken my Daddy from me. Why wasn’t I meant to have my dad anymore? And when I couldn't get any answers from anyone, that’s when the terrors started.”

He reached out for her free hand and brought it to his chest.

“That’s my heart, Sarah,” he told her. “I’m not going anywhere. Come back.”

She pinched her eyes shut, swallowing a sob.

“And when I lost Elena, they got worse,” she admitted, her hand still over Ben’s heart. “It’s only since you guys have been around that they stopped. I guess last night was the catalyst for bringing it back.”

“You don’t intend to follow through on your threat of disowning your mother, but it was the only way to get her to listen to you.”

“That’s it exactly,” she answered, sneaking a look at Ray who had turned over and put an arm behind his head, watching them through half lidded eyes. “Hey there, handsome.”

“Hey there, beautiful,” he murmured, pushing himself up on his elbows. “You okay after last night?”

“Yeah, much,” she smiled. “But I’d feel a lot better if we could just… be, today. Just let the day pass by, nothing to do or worry about. Maybe fuck each other senseless a few times.”

“Before we do that,” Ray stopped her, looking very intrigued, “and we _will_ do that, no worries on that front, you want to tell me why you’re avoiding it?”

“Avoiding what?”

“Picking up the phone and calling them.”

“Because I don’t want to,” she reasoned. “I’m sick of them interfering in my life and I don’t know what else to do about it, short of me getting pregnant and marrying one of you…”

Her eyes went wide in realization, a smile spreading across her face.

 “I’ve got an idea!”


	8. Precious and Fragile Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which all three of them have a long overdue heart to heart conversation, and new plans emerge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is reading and commenting. I truly appreciate it. Enjoy this new chapter!

“What’s this idea?”

“Well you know how you were saying that if we worked at it, there’s no reason why a relationship between the three of us couldn’t work out? Even if it is just friends with benefits?”

“Right…” Ray cleared his throat. “So what’s your idea? It’s got something to do with that?”

“Well, kind of,” Sarah answered. “I mean, you two were friends and lovers before I even met you, Ray. And I would never want to come between you and destroy what you have.”

“But you haven’t,” Ben cut in. “If anything, you’ve enhanced it.”

“Thank you for saying that, truly,” she smiled. “But, again, I’m just being realistic. No one is going to believe that this will work. We’ll have to go back to work tomorrow and act like normal human beings, not like three people who have just had a really hot sex marathon.”

“If we don’t say anything, it’s not anyone’s business,” Ray cut in.

“But you see, that’s where it could go incredibly haywire,” Sarah turned her hands palm up and rested them on the table. “You both know as well as I do that relationships shouldn’t be kept in the dark. That’s where everything can go wrong. How many people can and _have_ gotten hurt thanks to things being kept in the dark?”

Oh, _that’s_ what this was about. Her idea was for them to cut ties for a while, remove this new component of their relationship because it scared her.

“I don’t want to hurt you, either of you,” she stressed, folding her hands in her lap. “And I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me.”

“What’s this really about?” Ben asked the question no one was willing to vocalize. He took her hands in his and kissed her knuckles. “If you’re upset about what happened between you and your parents, that’s perfectly understandable, and you may just be projecting your insecurities…”

“Ben,” Ray stopped him mid- sentence. “Look, Sarah, it’s alright to be angry because they aren’t listening to you. But trust me when I say that cutting them off, that hurts a lot more and for a lot longer.”

“Then it’ll hurt longer,” she answered defiantly. “Right now I really don’t care.”

That certainly wasn’t true, and they could see it in her face. She would make a very bad poker player, she knew. Everything she thought showed on her face, and she was certain that she had LIAR stamped across her forehead at that very moment.

“Look,” she ran a hand across her forehead, exasperated. “It’s not that I don’t love them… it’s not that I don’t love _you_ , but… truth be told, this is overwhelming.”

“So we can take a break, no harm, no foul,” Ray offered.

“That isn’t what I'm talking about,” she insisted. “I didn’t plan to fall in love, and look what’s happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“You two,” she clarified, jarred out of her sentence by the phone jostling in her ear. Looking at the Caller ID, she ignored it. “You two came into my life and have made it better than I ever thought possible, and you’re brilliant at what you do and have done all these wonderful things that I can’t even _hope_ to accomplish… what business do I have being around you at all? Hell, why do you even _like_ me?”

Both men were stunned into silence.

“I… I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from,” she backtracked. “I’m thinking I need to get out of this apartment for a little while. Um, Ben, do you mind if I take Diefe for a walk?”

“I’m sure he’d like that,” Ben answered, understanding the need for a little bit of space.

Diefe groaned.

“Diefenbaker, with all those treats you’ve been having, you need the exercise.” Ben scolded him. “He doesn’t need a leash if that’s what you’re wondering, Sarah,” he gathered her to him and hugged her tightly. “We’ll be here when you get back.”

She kissed his cheek in response. She retreated into her bedroom and emerged 3 minutes later in runner’s attire.

“Be right back,” she promised. “There’s coffee if you like. Help yourself to anything in the fridge.” She knew she didn’t need to tell them any of that, but it helped her feel a bit better, all things considered.

And she tore out the door, Diefenbaker at her heels.

**ooOoo**

_They say running is good for you,_ she mused as her feet pounded into the pavement. _Good for your cardiovascular system, good for your overall health, good for your concentration…_

But not when you’re trying to run from something that scares you.

Yes, she was definitely scared. She wanted to be with Ray and Ben because she loved them dearly, but she knew she wasn’t good enough for them. Two highly decorated police officers would not want to be involved with a receptionist at a paper company, regardless of how much they might like her in return.

The whole incident in the bathroom had shown her that perhaps it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to let love into her life again, but, again, it scared the living daylights out of her. What if things didn’t work out? What if she screwed things up so badly that they wanted nothing more to do with her?

Suppressing a sob, she stopped at a bench and sat down for a second, Diefenbaker obediently waiting for her.

“What do you think” she asked him between laboured breaths. “Do you think I’m a good choice for them? Will I make them happy?”

He barked once.

“I know, that’s up to them,” she agreed, twisting the cap off her water bottle and taking a long drink. “But what if they decide they don’t want anything more to do with me? I’ll lose my only friends, and I don’t know if I can handle that.”

He nosed his way under her hand and rested his head on her thigh.

“Oh alright,” she answered. “Yes, I’ll head back home, and apologize. It was just a freak out.”

They walked the rest of the way home together, Sarah’s mind much more settled and clear, and both parties sufficiently tuckered out.

“Okay,” she greeted them, flopping down on the couch between them, an old hockey game on the TV. Canada and Russia on ESPN, by the looks of it. “First off, I want to apologize.”

“You don’t need to,” Ray insisted.

“Yes I do,” Sarah answered, taking a drink of water from the half empty bottle she’d brought back with her. “You didn’t deserve to have me go off on you like that. It wasn’t fair to you. You’ve done nothing but be the most wonderful people in the world, and I might as well have just spat in your face.”

“Apology accepted,” Ben reached over and grabbed her hand, understanding that it was what she needed to hear. “Are you feeling a bit better?”

“Yes I think so,” she nodded. “And I came up with another plan while I was out.”

Ray shut the game off and sat up beside them, taking her other hand.

“I think we should spend time getting to know each other,” Sarah began. “I mean _really_ getting to know each other,” she repeated. “I’m talking about dinner dates and stories about our families and learning about our likes and dislikes and what makes us tick. Little surprises at work and long conversations and proving ourselves to each other.”

Ray’s brow went up at that remark.

“Well, really me proving myself to you two,” she admitted. “As I said before, you two have been friends and lovers long before I came along, and I want to show you that I’m good enough for you.”

“Please don’t feel as though you _have_ to prove something like that,” Ben interjected. “I like the idea of dinner dates and all the rest of it, but a relationship shouldn’t be about worrying whether you’ve done something to make someone stop loving you or decide whether or not you’re worthy.”

“Ben’s right, Sarah,” Ray agreed. “If you want to do this, then we should all be on a level playing field. No one’s better than anyone else. We’re just three people exploring something new and exciting together.”

She smiled.

“That’s a good way of putting it,” she agreed. “So, can I ask you something?”

They both nodded.

“Benton Fraser, Ray Kowalski, will you be mine?” she whispered.

Ray smiled in return, turning and putting a hand on her cheek as Ben lifted her hand and kissed it.

“Sarah Leland, will you be ours?”

She nodded, kissing them both.


End file.
